Contention

Hello Grandchildren,

It has been a little longer than a month and I apologize for getting my monthly blog posted before focusing on my "Grandpa's Point of View".

Nevertheless, the focus of this thought is a desire to have a good discussion about contention.

There are a few different meanings for contention, but I am focusing this discussion where contention means "a heated argument", or disagreeing with someone in a rude way.

I am going to use as my "base foundation" of my point of view of contention, a religious statement.  I used this statement with your parents when they were young, and even when they were a bit older. 

When Jesus Christ visited the Americas, one of the first things he taught the people was about contention and how bad contention really is. Here is what Jesus Christ said about contention.

"For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another." (3 Nephi 11:29)

 I believe this. The spirit of contention is a person who goes around always causing contention wherever they go. They leave a trail of contentious acts from interaction to interaction.

Now let's talk about contention and peacemaking a little bit.

Grandpa's Point of View:

Shouting (yelling) at each other is definitely a form of contention. If you are trying to make your point well known, don't shout or yell - it is contentious. Good people should not like to contend with other people. They should want to bring peace into other people's lives, including their own. Keep your voice down and be calm in the storm others create.

Hitting or kicking - This is just a terrible form of contention and you should not be found doing it. If you do it, stop it. It is one of the worst character traits a person can have. No one really wants to be friends with someone who is doing this, especially family members. You are out of control when you are hitting or kicking.

Throwing or breaking things, these are all forms of contention, and you don't want to be the one doing them. It shows a great lack of true character in a person. An 18 month old child should be taught not to do these things. So, if you are older than that, and you still do these things. Stop doing it. Frankly, it is embarrassing for others, especially for your family members who see you doing it. You are out of control when you are throwing or breaking things.

Wrong thinking about contention:

• If "they started it first", it is okay to yell, scream, hit, throw things. etc. - NO, that's wrong thinking.
• If "I am right", it is okay to yell, scream, hit, throw things. etc. - NO, that's wrong thinking.
• If "they hurt someone else", it is okay to yell, scream, hit, throw things. etc. - NO, that's wrong thinking.
• If you think "they deserved it", so I am the one to be the judge, jury, and executioner, - NO, that's wrong thinking.
• If you think "I am just trying to make myself heard because they are screaming at me", it is okay to yell, scream, hit, throw things. etc. - NO, that's wrong thinking.

I am sure there is a theory in one of the sciences that says contention can be a good thing. Scrap that idea quickly. I lean towards the scripture I quoted above. Remember, this is Grandpa's Point of View. Your parents can teach you differently if they would like to.

To be able to "debate" an issue is important so you can see both (or many) sides to a situation. Contention often comes into the debate when one person is only willing to make their statement and not be open to listening to other opinions. 

Use a calm and quiet voice when it starts to get contentious. That helps reduce contention a lot. Don't be sarcastic when you use your calm and quiet voice. Be true to what calm and quiet means.

Peace is the Opposite of Contention

Whenever you see contention - you should get involved as a peacemaker. Yes, that is what I said. Don't just sit there and hope that the yelling and shouting will stop. You need to look at the situation and figure out how you can help this ugly contentious situation become a peaceful discussion (or at least end the contention in a more peaceful way) This is a must in a family situation, for sure. Siblings, Parents, Grammy (just joking...) the people you should surely not have contention with is your family. Learn how to be a peacemaker. It will take some practice. Some of my grandchildren are very good at being peacemakers. All of my grandchildren know how to be peacemakers, so I am asking you to be a peacemaker more often than you are now.

Whenever you cause contention - try your hardest to stop it quickly. If you feel you cannot stop it, be willing to let someone else help you stop it. Remember in the last paragraph I told you all to get involved in being the peacemaker? Yes, if you are causing contention in the family, let another family member help peace come into the contention and help it to go away.

Contention brings with it anger, sadness, anxiety, frustration, hurtful words, and divisiveness. Some people actually use swear words to convey their contentious attitudes. Just think how offensive hearing swear words is to most people.

Refusing to argue allows you to become a better listener. And when we listen better, we can communicate better and become a peacemaker. Refusing to argue also includes responding with a calm voice and doing what we can to keep our emotions in check.

Examples of Contention and Peacemakers

Lacey's Bedroom

Lacey was hone for the summer from BYU-Idaho and she and Jenny were having a tough time getting along. One day in Sunday School, Russ Patterson, who recently got off his mission, was Jenny's Sunday School Teacher. He taught a lesson on serving other people, especially if there was some contention going on in the relationship.

Jenny came home and told Grammy that she felt pretty strongly that she needed to serve Lacey somehow. Jenny said she was going to clean Lacey's room for her while Lacey was at work that next day. Jenny worked hard, most of the day, and Grammy said she did a great job cleaning Lacey's room. For those of you who know Grammy's standards of cleaning, that was a great compliment to Jenny.

Jenny and Grammy were in the kitchen when Lacey got home. Lacey called to Grammy as she walked up the stairs to let her know she was home. Grammy and Jenny looked at each other and wondered what Lacey would say. They heard Lacey open her bedroom door and stop. Lacey said nothing at all. Lacey then walked down to the kitchen and asked Grammy if she had cleaned Lacey's room. Grammy said "No". Lacey then looked at Jenny and knew that she had cleaned the room. Lacey went over and hugged Jenny. The rest of the summer the two girls got along very well with each other. Jenny was a peacemaker.

Grandpa and Grammy's Special Peacemaking Phrase

Grandpa and Grammy could get a little upset when we were raising our kids sometimes. In fact, we both felt there were times where each of us got upset enough to be pretty contentious with our children, (your parents.) We knew that wasn't a good thing, but it kept happening no matter what we did.

We decided to help each other out by coming up with a sentence we could use with each other when one of us was getting too upset and starting to have contention with your parents. When one of us used that phrase with the other person, the one getting contentious would just walk away while the other parent took over. We could not quite remember the actual phrase but it went something like this" Hey, why don't you take a break?"

Grammy remembers Grandpa using it one time when Grammy was upset with the boys (Jason, Matt, and Nick) when they weren't cleaning their room. The contention was growing. Grandpa came into the room and put his arm around Grammy and said, "Hey, why don't you take a break?" Grammy said she immediately left the room. Grandpa took over and Grammy left and the anger and contention was immediately gone once she left the situation.

There were certainly many times when Grammy had to do the same thing to Grandpa. The older we got, the less contentious we became. You should be better than us :).

I could not easily think of any other family situations that I could use in this blog, but I did want to add one more picture. It takes real effort from each member of the family to be peacemakers. The picture below is Grammy and Grandpa's family when your parents were a bit younger. We loved each of them then, and we love them now. In fact, we love all of the members of our family, and that includes YOU!